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Steven Wright Quotes:

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

Steven Wright

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Steven Wright

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?Steven Wright

Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

How young can you die of old age?

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the placSteven Wrighte.

Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you Steven Wrightuse a silencer?

Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’

Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Steven Wright

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Steven Wright

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’

Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Steven Wright

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.

Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.

Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time.

Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Steven Wright

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

Steven Wright

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’

Steven Wright

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Steven Wright

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Steven Wright

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’

Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

Steven Wright

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‘Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.’

Steven Wright

I haven’t changed at all. I’m the samSteven Wrighte as when I was 11.

Steven Wright

It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

Steven Wright

There’s something about being in front of a live audience that’s fun. It’s a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can’t get it anywhere else. And I’ve been doing it since I was 23, so it’s part of my being – it’s part of my fabric as a person.

Steven Wright

When I was on TV in the ’80s, I wasn’t thinking, ‘There’s a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he’s gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.’ I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they’re influenced by me – it’s bizarre.

Steven Wright

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

Steven Wright

I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Steven Wright

To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

Steven Wright

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.

Steven Wright

It’s very intense to be in front of a live audience. It’s just an amazing experience. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It’s electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you’re on this other planet.

Steven Wright

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

Steven Wright

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.

Steven Wright

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Steven Wright

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‘The Tonight Show.’ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

Steven Wright

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’

Steven Wright

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Steven Wright

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

Steven Wright

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut – he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about.

Steven Wright

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

Steven Wright

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

Steven Wright

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.

Steven Wright

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

Who is Steven Wright?

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American comedian, actress, journalist, and film maker. It is renowned for its strikingly lethargic voice and long, idle presentation of sarcastic, philosophic and occasionally incomprehensible remarks, paraprosdocs, non-sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners of contrived circumstances.

Wright was rated 15th Best Comedian by Rolling Stone in their 2017 ranking of the 50 Best Stand-up Comedians. His distinctions include the Academy Award for Best Live Action Feature Film for writing and making a short film.

The Assignments of Dennis Jennings (1988) and two Primetime Emmy Awards for Louie (2010–15). He is known for his appearance as Leon in the Peabody Award-winning tragicomedy web show Horace and Pete.