Steven Wright Quotes:
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
Steven Wright
I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?Steven Wright
Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
How young can you die of old age?
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the placSteven Wrighte.
Steven Wright
If you shoot at mimes, should you Steven Wrightuse a silencer?
Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
Steven Wright