I’m a very simple person. I’m very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that’s me.
Rita Rudner
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
It wasn’t that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
Rita Rudner
Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Rita Rudner
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
Rita Rudner
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Rita Rudner
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Rita Rudner
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother’s tasted better the day before.
Rita Rudner
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.
Rita Rudner
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner
My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner
My mother’s mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Rita Rudner
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
Rita Rudner
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?
Rita Rudner
Stand-up is my favorite thing I’ve ever done. There’s so much independence.
Rita Rudner
The logic was, there weren’t too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.
Rita Rudner
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
Rita Rudner
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.
Rita Rudner
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
When you’re a dancer, you start with the basics. You don’t all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.
Rita Rudner
Whenever I date a guy, I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’
Rita Rudner
Who is Rita Rudner?
Rita Rudner is a stand-up comedian from the United States. Rudner began her career as a Broadway dancer, but after noticing a shortage of female comedians in New York City, she moved on to stand-up comedy, where she has thrived for more than three decades.